Forget Kama Sutra...

Is there a manual on diaper-changing positions?

My suggested entries:

1. Traditional with Table

Baby lies flat on back in transverse position on changing table, head by mother's left arm and feet by mother's right arm; left hand holds both ankles in the air while right hand holds baby wipe.

2. Left-Hand Traditional with Table

Reversed from above position

3. Traditional on Floor (incl. Left-Hand Variation)

Baby lies flat on back in transverse position on floor, head by mother's left knee and feet by mother's right knee as she kneels over baby, holding both ankles in left hand as right hands holds baby wipe.

4. The Backseat Swap

Baby lies flat on back in whatever space is available (backseat of car, a friend's couch, high school hallway, etc); Mother places opened diaper underneath existing diaper. As soiled diaper is removed, clean diaper is simultaneously cinched as to avoid mess.

5. Diversionary Object

Prior to diaper change, mother locates safe diversionary object to induce lull in movement. Mother acts quickly to change diaper while novelty is sustained.  

6. The Waterskier

Baby lies flat on back on floor in Post position (feet pointing toward mother, and head pointing away) with mother sitting on bottom, both feet pinning corresponding biceps of baby so as to prevent rolling. Both mother's arms are free to change diaper.

7. 3AM Patch-up

Overly sleepy mother detects mega-overloaded diaper after nightly feeding. Working by feel, mother softly slides new diaper under baby, removes old diaper, and attaches tabs just enough to keep diaper on and baby dreaming.

 8. London Bridge

Baby lies on back in transverse position on floor. Mother sits on floor with left leg bent over baby, so as to make a "bridge" across baby's chest. Leg can be lowered as needed to prevent rolling and/or wiener-grabbing.

*This position enhanced by Diversionary Object 

9. The Big Boy

Mother holds clean naked baby upright in standing position, placing clean diaper across back of baby and holding baby against chest while bringing up front of diaper between baby's legs and across pubic area. Tabs are initially secured and then tightened in Traditional Position as needed. 

*This position best assists positions 6, 8, and 10.  

10. The Poultry Hold

*Imagine one attempting to hold a flapping chicken by one leg*

Mother goes in "cold turkey" (huh-huh-huh, pun intended) by grabbing squirming baby by one leg once potentially disastrous diaper is loose. Mother does not allow child's pelvis to touch ground despite determined twists, yanks, and yells. Mother wipes down pelvis area en plein vol after which she allows baby to temporarily crawl away in retaliation before progressing to position number 9.

  

The last couple of days I have had to resort to numbers 9 and 10, which are very advanced, I'd say. Stressful, though. I can only imagine what the future will bring...




Oh. And by the way. I won King Diaper today. So I bought myself a $4 candy bar.

So as Jahno lapped up a delicious bit of yarn this afternoon, 

I came up with a great idea.

Have you ever heard of a "king cake" at Christmas parties where a little trinket is hidden somewhere in the cake and whoever finds it in their piece of cake gets rewarded? 

In case you're drawing a blank, go here to know what I'm talking about.

So I'm attempting to scratch this little morsel off Jahno's tongue but give up because I'm pretty sure he already swallowed it. 

Oh, well, I think. It will just come out in his diaper eventually.

Then I think: Yes. Yes it will come out into his diaper eventually. 

Why didn't I think of this before, like for example when he gnawed off a couple bits of Gabe's belt and it made a grand exit the next day?

So now I have the solution to every young wife's issues of an AWOL husband when it comes to diaper changing.

King Diaper!

The parent who finds the undigestible trinket gets privileges!

Privileges!

What is real...

Yet another insight in the bathroom before running off to class... 

First of all, I have not been able to follow a graffiti conversation since seventh grade, when a bathroom stall was more of a social network than facebook.

I have to admit that the maturity of content (if not method) of stall graffiti has improved since middle school. Instead of "I [heart] Stephen Camp" and "F*** Veronica Little" I entertain my short hygiene moment with inspirational axioms, witty phrases, and philosophical musings.  

What I read today made me laugh. 

She said she cried at least once each day not because she was sad but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short.

Life is too short to cry about it being short. ENJOY EACH DAY  

stop trying to be so deep. This is a bathroom stall

Yo. If you can't be real in a bathroom stall, where are you going to get real?

Haha. Point taken.

Last night Gabe and I were sitting on our bed. We had a small moment of down-time between dinner and helping kids with homework. Gabe was being cute by leaning over to hug me and kiss my shoulder. Then out of the blue he used my back to stifle an enormous burp.

He attempted another nuzzle, but seeing as I was appalled, I pulled away, telling him he had lost "being romantic" privileges for ten minutes.

I realized my mistake immediately.

"Really?" he jumped off the bed, "Haha, I don't have to be romantic! Freedom for ten minutes!!! I'm going downstairs, then!"

He then proceeded to show off his coin-slot on the way out the door toward the basement, where he could find some manly sports channel to watch. "HeeheheHeeehehe!" If he could have mustered up more burps and even pushed out a fart or two, his ten minutes would have been even more advantageous.

I love my husband.