Is there a manual on diaper-changing positions?
My suggested entries:
1. Traditional with Table
Baby lies flat on back in transverse position on changing table, head by mother's left arm and feet by mother's right arm; left hand holds both ankles in the air while right hand holds baby wipe.
2. Left-Hand Traditional with Table
Reversed from above position
3. Traditional on Floor (incl. Left-Hand Variation)
Baby lies flat on back in transverse position on floor, head by mother's left knee and feet by mother's right knee as she kneels over baby, holding both ankles in left hand as right hands holds baby wipe.
4. The Backseat Swap
Baby lies flat on back in whatever space is available (backseat of car, a friend's couch, high school hallway, etc); Mother places opened diaper underneath existing diaper. As soiled diaper is removed, clean diaper is simultaneously cinched as to avoid mess.
5. Diversionary Object
Prior to diaper change, mother locates safe diversionary object to induce lull in movement. Mother acts quickly to change diaper while novelty is sustained.
6. The Waterskier
Baby lies flat on back on floor in Post position (feet pointing toward mother, and head pointing away) with mother sitting on bottom, both feet pinning corresponding biceps of baby so as to prevent rolling. Both mother's arms are free to change diaper.
7. 3AM Patch-up
Overly sleepy mother detects mega-overloaded diaper after nightly feeding. Working by feel, mother softly slides new diaper under baby, removes old diaper, and attaches tabs just enough to keep diaper on and baby dreaming.
8. London Bridge
Baby lies on back in transverse position on floor. Mother sits on floor with left leg bent over baby, so as to make a "bridge" across baby's chest. Leg can be lowered as needed to prevent rolling and/or wiener-grabbing.
*This position enhanced by Diversionary Object
9. The Big Boy
Mother holds clean naked baby upright in standing position, placing clean diaper across back of baby and holding baby against chest while bringing up front of diaper between baby's legs and across pubic area. Tabs are initially secured and then tightened in Traditional Position as needed.
*This position best assists positions 6, 8, and 10.
10. The Poultry Hold
*Imagine one attempting to hold a flapping chicken by one leg*
Mother goes in "cold turkey" (huh-huh-huh, pun intended) by grabbing squirming baby by one leg once potentially disastrous diaper is loose. Mother does not allow child's pelvis to touch ground despite determined twists, yanks, and yells. Mother wipes down pelvis area en plein vol after which she allows baby to temporarily crawl away in retaliation before progressing to position number 9.
The last couple of days I have had to resort to numbers 9 and 10, which are very advanced, I'd say. Stressful, though. I can only imagine what the future will bring...
Oh. And by the way. I won King Diaper today. So I bought myself a $4 candy bar.
