--um, parenting style clash, anyone?

I've noticed recently the value of keeping adult topics within earshot of adult ears only. Hard to do in a small home where every fart and sniffle is heard by all.  It is quite embarrassing to be with acquaintances or public figures when your child brings up a hugely personal fact, like for instance, family financial information or a controversial personal opinion about said public figure. 

To illustrate: Nate is my foster son who is very much lacking in social skills. For the sake of this blog post, we will just consider him the equivalent of a six-year-old boy, even though he is sixteen.

Example One: Nate is with Gabe on an errand in town and they run into a former coworker about whom Gabe had made very clear his unfavorable opinion while employed at this particular agency. Small talk is unavoidable as Nate recognizes and flags down coworker to say hi. Work topic comes up, and right away Nate shares that Gabe was fired from said employment. Yay.

Example Two: I bring Nate to an initial Pathways appointment where I'm also meeting his foster care worker. Our relationship with the foster care agency has been rough in the last couple months, a fact not hidden in our house. I come into the waiting room after feeding Jahno in the car to hear the tail-end of a conversation Nate has started with his worker about how he hopes we all work out our differences because he knows there's been issues and Gabe doesn't want to work with them anymore, etc, etc (Who knows what else he said?). Because he still hopes to be able to live with us. Way to add your two cents, Nate. 

Example Three: This evening Nate and I made cookies to bring to the neighbors. Our neighbor, who will be having a baby any day now, wanted to walk us down the road. Conversation was mostly dominated by Nate as he broke in with his interpretation of topics we cared about: 

"Last summer we went to Wisconsin Dells"

Jen (our neighbor): "Oh, that's nice, Nate. Did you have fun?"

Nate:  "Yeah, there's an indoor waterpark and an outdoor waterpark."

Jen: "That's neat. Are there any--"

Nate: "There's also amusement parks with rides, but I can't go on any rides because of my seizures."

Jen: "Oh, that's too bad. Briana can't ride a lot of rides because she is so shor--"

Nate: "Yeah, it sucks. But I hung out with my friend Tom and we drank a lot of Gatorade and stayed at the indoor waterpark. We had pizza, too. And went to a sit-down restaurant named Bonanza."

Jen: "----"

Nate: "I liked the pizza."

Jen: "Well, that's good Nate. We hope to get down to Tundra Lodge this year. We asked the kids where they wanted to go and I'm surprised that they all wanted----"

Nate: "We can't go on any vacations this summer..."

I cringe cause I hear this statement as a voiceover for Jen and hope I'm wrong about what's coming next.

"We have too many bills to pay so we can't go anywhere this year."

"Thanks, Nate," I say as Jen comes back with a "Oh, that's okay, Nate. We have bills too with the new baby coming and getting ready and all that so we aren't planning to go anywhere big either." 

I was so embarrassed.

Then it got me thinking how the kids didn't even have to know this information in the first place. But why do they know? 

Gabe. 

It got me thinking further about parenting styles when it comes to openness of family business. Gabe tends to be quite open about family business that I would prefer at times to be kept between us alone.

I grew up in a home where nothing was discussed within earshot that was exclusive adult business (although I did a fair share of eavesdropping as a teenager). This included finances, opinions, marriage ruts, problems of other family members, tentative life-changing decisions, etc. As a kid, a) did I understand the depth of what was being discussed? No. And b) did I even want to know what was going on? Aside from mere curiosity, no. I was perfectly content worrying about my own little egocentric world as a high-schooler. I had my own problems. And if I seriously knew what was going on I ran the risk of misunderstanding the situation enough to completely stress out over how my life was going to be affected. So I think it was better not to know.

Do I think Gabe would agree?

I'm not sure. 

He's one to be up front and honest about things, and not cloak reality. So maybe he would want the boys to know what is going on at all times because it would help them behave better or know what to expect.

Yet kids will interpret adult conversation and terminology on a completely different level.

They hear us discuss money and they are afraid to ask for five dollars to go have fun with their friends because "we are poor." We are not poor, we just don't have money to spend on certain luxuries, but we do have money to meet our needs and then some for a little fun. And that is all that's needed to be happy. I don't want our kids growing up thinking they are "poor."

Maybe that's why I never heard my dad discuss finances once in my entire life. I knew we were frugal, but I wouldn't have considered myself poor. 

On the other hand, I had no concept of money whatsoever. I did not know what it took to run a household or live on my own. I learned, but I might have benefitted from knowing what was coming.      

I think Nate means well, but geez, it'd be a lot nicer if he didn't have a clue sometimes. Because he really doesn't have a clue.