--um, parenting style clash, anyone?

I've noticed recently the value of keeping adult topics within earshot of adult ears only. Hard to do in a small home where every fart and sniffle is heard by all.  It is quite embarrassing to be with acquaintances or public figures when your child brings up a hugely personal fact, like for instance, family financial information or a controversial personal opinion about said public figure. 

To illustrate: Nate is my foster son who is very much lacking in social skills. For the sake of this blog post, we will just consider him the equivalent of a six-year-old boy, even though he is sixteen.

Example One: Nate is with Gabe on an errand in town and they run into a former coworker about whom Gabe had made very clear his unfavorable opinion while employed at this particular agency. Small talk is unavoidable as Nate recognizes and flags down coworker to say hi. Work topic comes up, and right away Nate shares that Gabe was fired from said employment. Yay.

Example Two: I bring Nate to an initial Pathways appointment where I'm also meeting his foster care worker. Our relationship with the foster care agency has been rough in the last couple months, a fact not hidden in our house. I come into the waiting room after feeding Jahno in the car to hear the tail-end of a conversation Nate has started with his worker about how he hopes we all work out our differences because he knows there's been issues and Gabe doesn't want to work with them anymore, etc, etc (Who knows what else he said?). Because he still hopes to be able to live with us. Way to add your two cents, Nate. 

Example Three: This evening Nate and I made cookies to bring to the neighbors. Our neighbor, who will be having a baby any day now, wanted to walk us down the road. Conversation was mostly dominated by Nate as he broke in with his interpretation of topics we cared about: 

"Last summer we went to Wisconsin Dells"

Jen (our neighbor): "Oh, that's nice, Nate. Did you have fun?"

Nate:  "Yeah, there's an indoor waterpark and an outdoor waterpark."

Jen: "That's neat. Are there any--"

Nate: "There's also amusement parks with rides, but I can't go on any rides because of my seizures."

Jen: "Oh, that's too bad. Briana can't ride a lot of rides because she is so shor--"

Nate: "Yeah, it sucks. But I hung out with my friend Tom and we drank a lot of Gatorade and stayed at the indoor waterpark. We had pizza, too. And went to a sit-down restaurant named Bonanza."

Jen: "----"

Nate: "I liked the pizza."

Jen: "Well, that's good Nate. We hope to get down to Tundra Lodge this year. We asked the kids where they wanted to go and I'm surprised that they all wanted----"

Nate: "We can't go on any vacations this summer..."

I cringe cause I hear this statement as a voiceover for Jen and hope I'm wrong about what's coming next.

"We have too many bills to pay so we can't go anywhere this year."

"Thanks, Nate," I say as Jen comes back with a "Oh, that's okay, Nate. We have bills too with the new baby coming and getting ready and all that so we aren't planning to go anywhere big either." 

I was so embarrassed.

Then it got me thinking how the kids didn't even have to know this information in the first place. But why do they know? 

Gabe. 

It got me thinking further about parenting styles when it comes to openness of family business. Gabe tends to be quite open about family business that I would prefer at times to be kept between us alone.

I grew up in a home where nothing was discussed within earshot that was exclusive adult business (although I did a fair share of eavesdropping as a teenager). This included finances, opinions, marriage ruts, problems of other family members, tentative life-changing decisions, etc. As a kid, a) did I understand the depth of what was being discussed? No. And b) did I even want to know what was going on? Aside from mere curiosity, no. I was perfectly content worrying about my own little egocentric world as a high-schooler. I had my own problems. And if I seriously knew what was going on I ran the risk of misunderstanding the situation enough to completely stress out over how my life was going to be affected. So I think it was better not to know.

Do I think Gabe would agree?

I'm not sure. 

He's one to be up front and honest about things, and not cloak reality. So maybe he would want the boys to know what is going on at all times because it would help them behave better or know what to expect.

Yet kids will interpret adult conversation and terminology on a completely different level.

They hear us discuss money and they are afraid to ask for five dollars to go have fun with their friends because "we are poor." We are not poor, we just don't have money to spend on certain luxuries, but we do have money to meet our needs and then some for a little fun. And that is all that's needed to be happy. I don't want our kids growing up thinking they are "poor."

Maybe that's why I never heard my dad discuss finances once in my entire life. I knew we were frugal, but I wouldn't have considered myself poor. 

On the other hand, I had no concept of money whatsoever. I did not know what it took to run a household or live on my own. I learned, but I might have benefitted from knowing what was coming.      

I think Nate means well, but geez, it'd be a lot nicer if he didn't have a clue sometimes. Because he really doesn't have a clue.

Two seizures

Today I decided to take Nate out with me. One thing Gabe has mentioned a couple times is how I don't do much with the boys. Sure, I do a lot for them, but I don't tend to go out of my way to share activities with them. I'm usually doing cooking, doing stuff around the house, homework, or taking care of Jahno.

So today Nate and I left early to go to his appointment in town because I wanted to stop at Kohls to get the boys some new dress shirts and to get his glasses adjusted. 

On the way, I talked to Nate about his family. This never really happens because I always side-step the topic but I decided to see what he had to say about them. It was weird hearing him talk about his brother and sisters like he knew them (seeing as he hasn't spoken with anyone since he was seven years old). I learned that he has three younger siblings (Aaron, Breana, and Christina--who he taught to say "I--Love--You" when he was seven and she was five). And three older siblings: Victoria, Elizabeth, and Tiffany. Tiffany is my age. He is only one of two boys in his family. And his two younger siblings are living with his maternal grandmother, as far as he knew. 

It's enlightening to just give your undivided attention to somebody.

The topic then went on to other things, as if we had been talking about school before chatting about what we were going to do this summer. Later, we had his appointment at Pathways for an initial assessment for services. I was quite impressed with him, to be honest. He showed a maturity I'm not familiar with in the way he expressed himself about his issues and past. This could be because he simply wanted to impress his audience of three inquiring and somewhat sympathetic adults. He impressed me, which probably was unintended. 

I had to step out for a few minutes to feed Jahno and shortly after I came back, Nate had a seizure in the office. I was annoyed. Here I was burning up in that stuffy office, a cranky-tired and squirmy baby on my hip, my phone kept vibrating, my mounds of mommy-debris all over the place, and a clipboard filled with paperwork I had to somehow fill out one-handed in the next ten minutes before I booked it to my final exam. And Nate has a seizure, which I knew he brought on himself. Oh, well. I wanted to cry by the time I left that place, knowing I would be--once again--late to class with my mind elsewhere. 

Gabe had driven into town to do the switcheroo, and I told him about the seizure before I got into my car. I knew he would ask Nate about it right away. 

I rushed off, but on second thought called Gabe to tell him how well Nate did during the appointment. I didn't want his seizure to ruin the positives. Gabe had talked with Nate already, who had admitted (only after one denial) that he did bring the seizure on himself for the attention. And we were happy that he admitted to it. Making progress. I felt good all of a sudden. Still a little shaken up and tired, but good.

Later tonight, however, Nate had another seizure--this one I'm not so sure he bargained for because Gabe said it was the worst one he'd ever seen (or heard, seeing as he was downstairs with Jahno). We are pretty sure Nate bounced his face off the kitchen table.

The beginnings of a sweet shiner:

So much for adjusted glasses.